conan the barbarian

i really love jason mamoa, but this one is a turd. 

getting even with dad

no, its not as bad as you hope, and its not as good as you want.  i really love ted danson, and macaulay culkin is great, but the two of them couldn't do a thing with this limp story and terrible directing.  this one is a step down from a hallmark movie, if that's even something that's possible...  its not even good in a bad way, it just sort of sits there like a dead fish.  the humor is lame and the drama is trite.  unfortunately its bad on all levels.

transformers dark of the moon

i have been forbidden from watching transformers movies after i saw this one.  my wife said that it put me in too bad of a mood that it ruined her day because of how much it ruined my day.  apparently when a movie is this god-awful it can have a tangible effect on my mood.  i guess that should tell you all you need to know about my thoughts on this abomination.

midnight in paris

ugh.  i really don't understand the love for this movie.  the script is really stilted and obvious.  usually i like owen wilson, but even he couldn't save this lame ode to nostalgia.  sorry to woody allen, i still haven't seen a movie of his that i like.

trick r treat

a very lame collection of horror shorts strung together as a night of kids going around trick or treating on halloween.  none of the stories are either clever nor scary.  i don't get why people like this film.  its turned into a bit of a cult classic at this point and i don't get it at all.

stay tuned

i remember when this one first came out and being very intrigued by it.  turns out there was no reason for that...  the premise follows an unhappy couple as they unknowingly make a deal with the devil that leads to them being trapped in their tv.  as the channel changes, so does their peril.  there are some interesting elements that are included, one of which is an animated portion done with chuck jones himself!  unfortunately the sum is a lot less then the sum of its parts.  everyone is trying really hard in this movie, but all of it leads to nothing worth while at all.  disappointing.

hall pass

ugh.  the concept of this one is so lame and offensive that it was doomed before it even started.  the idea that a wife would give her husband a 'hall pass' to have sex with anyone he wants is just dumb.  and this one never comes close to rising above that terrible concept.  owen wilson and jason sudekis flounder in this unfunny comedy that tries for the grossout, but ends up being toothless and amateurish.

due date

yeah, this one's really bad.  it reminded me a lot of 'identity theft' with melissa mccarthy and jason bateman, except that one was better.  downey's manic suave persona does not gel well with galifianakis' sort of humor.  both of them are great separate, but this is a very clear case of the total being less than the sum of its parts.

Lone survivor

ugh.  my dad really wanted to see this one in the theater, i knew it wasn't exactly my style, but it's not like i'm going to turn down an invitation to the movie theater!  its 100% one of those 'rah rah merica!' type movies and doesn't really dig beyond that level of depth.  its a perfectly fine and well made movie, the roles are well acted and the whole thing is very competently made, its just that it was so hollow and predictable.  you know exactly how its going to end- just look at the title!  as i was watching it i realized that this movie is basically a horror film.  it follows all the tropes of a horror film: we are introduced to some young beautiful people, we get to know them while their defenses are down and they are joking around with each other, but once the terror begins, they each get killed one by one by a faceless killer until the last remaining person has to face them and defeat them.  oh, and its super gory.  i'm not usually interested in war movies, and i have very little patience for patriotic garbage.  this one fits exactly into all the stuff i do not like.

clash of the titans

this is one of those classic examples of a sequel that no one asked for.  the first movie was a hit and so they made a second one.  the problem is that they didn't seem to realize that many people saw the first one but no one, and i mean no one, actually liked the first one.  the only reason it was a hit is because this was one of the first films to capitalize on the new 3D fad.  most saw through the terrible 3D conversion and saw the emperor had no clothes.  learning nothing from the first one, they doubled down on the dumb writing and embarrassing affects that hindered the first one.  amazingly, they were able to make this one even worse- i'm actually kind of impressed!

johnny mnemonic

his one is just as bad as you remember hearing.  the tech stuff is laughable, the story is nonsensical, and the acting is worse.  bad all around.

alchemy

a pretty dumb story of a computer whiz who tries to get a woman to fall in love with his dating computer program.  and wouldn't you know it, after some miscommunication and confusion, the two of them end up falling in love.  its telling that this one never made it to theaters, instead was shown on the abc family channel.  and even as far as that goes, its not necessarily one of the good abc family channel movies...

pirates of the caribbean: on stranger tides

ugh.  i really enjoyed the first three pirates movies, i'll even defend the 3rd one, but this?  this one is just terrible.  the story makes no sense, jumps around, and goes nowhere.  as strange as it seems, this one really suffered without keira knighly and orlando bloom.  though they weren't that great in the first three, they at least kept the movie grounded and relatable.  the villain is lame and all the stuff with the mermaids is just plain stupid.  even jack sparrow can't save this one.

invention of lying

the premise is quite interesting, the idea that no one is capable of lying. the only problem is that it is really poorly executed. it seems that the writers of this movie dont quite understand what lying is, they seem to think that lying is being mean.  the premise is only there in service to ricky gervais' religious opinions, not as a way of actually looking at what that situation might be like, instead its just a way for him to rail on everyone and say that God is not real.  its hard to get past the basics on this one when its so ham-fisted and mean.

noise

this is one of those 'issue' movies that are trying to say something about society, but in doing so they really simplify the problem and don't allow for subtlety or the actual complexity of the situation to be explored.  in this movie, tim robbins plays a guy who's really mad at how loud the city is.  yeah, its as dumb as it sounds.

existenz

this one made no sense at all.  a strange cronenberg movie obsessed with body horror, as usual.  the nonsense virtual reality video game at its center is lame and pointless.

hangover part 2

i absolutely loved the first hangover movie, so i was pretty interested in the second one.  oops, my mistake.  instead of giving us a great film, they just took the first one and made it again, except this time without the humor.  instead they made it grimier, grosser, and a whole lot meaner.  there are no new jokes, just the same ones as before, except without the wit and joy.  no thank you.

the loss of a teardrop diamond

based on the play by tennessee williams, this film follows a spoiled rich girl as she upends the social society of her southern plantation community.  she hires a handsome farm hand to be her escort to different events and continues to be a selfish brat at every turn.  we begin to see her fall in love with the farm hand, but at no point do we actually get on her side in any of this.  the film tries to make us care about her and her situation, but she has been absolutely unbearable up until that point that we are not able to make that turn of heart with her.  she is a terrible person, and no matter what happens in the movie, she continues to be a terrible person.  the fact that things go badly for her is something to see as her just reward, not as a sad situation.  the film is fine, but i could not get past how terrible of a character it is centered on.

astro boy

the story of pinocchio updated to be about a scientist who creates a robot boy.  not a very interesting story, and not very good graphics.

whatever works

i tell you what, i have little patience for woody allen.  i find him to be a very one note writer, always writing stories about what his life is like.  here's the thing though, he does not have a life that i relate to in any way.  in this one larry david plays woody allen (i know that's not the character's name, but lets not kid ourselves) as he is romantically fawned over by evan rachel wood, who is 40 years his junior.  gross.  not interested in allen's romantic fantasies about younger women lusting after him.  no thanks.